I am going to kick your ass if you call one of my individuals a RETARD.
I mean it.
I’m alive and it feels pretty swell.
For a long time I thought I was going to die. Depression is real and it is something I am going to have to get used to. It will always be there. So I should just suck it up and make the most of it. But I miss my old life every single day. Today I dug some summer clothes out of the bottom of my McDonald’s box all my shit is still packed in. The shirt I pulled out smelled JUST like my old apartment and it made me cry a little. I was fine until apple mango tango filled my nostrils. Sometimes when I am still half asleep in the morning, I can smell my mom making coffee. I always think it is my old roommate getting ready for class and that I am in my old bed in my old room. Then I finally realize where I am. Lana Del Rey says it best. “And there is no remedy for memory.” I can’t erase the fucking past. And I can’t go back in time and do everything over. My therapist says I am still in mourning over the loss of my old life. This mourning bullshit can last for years because I lost part of myself and it is as if someone actually died. Whatever. All I know is, I don’t have years to fill this way. It is exhausting! And I refuse to be unhappy for forever. So, I am going to be happy again. I swear on my cat. I will be happy. I will be happy. I will be happy. Maybe if I just say it over and over I can convince myself to feel that way? So no more sad talk. Only positive talk. I have an awesome job now so soon I will be able to pay bills again. I have lovely friends. I am going to see The Breeders and Fall Out Boy this summer. I go to the gym almost everyday and have already lost 15 pounds. One day my gays will be able to get married. One day I won’t live with my parents.I have a car, a phone, Walking Dead comics to read, cats, health insurance, and I am really good at baking. And at taking care of exceptional citizens. Suck my dick depression.These are all things to be happy about so I am going to be happy about them.
*Sorry if you ever read any of the word vomit I post. I just do it to make myself feel better.
Sometimes I can’t fall asleep at night. Like right meow.
Well most nights I can’t fall asleep. I do well all day. I go hours without feeling sad. But something washes over me as soon as I try to sleep. My eyes fill up with tears and an unexplainable feeling of rot hits my chest. I wipe my eyes for a few minutes before I can’t control it any longer and big fat, pathetic, silent tears roll down my cheeks and soak into my pillow. When this starts Ramona comes creeping out from under my bed and starts to meow. She plops herself right beside me and beings to purr. I love her so goddamn much. I always wrap my arm around her and feel her little cat body breathing up and down. She falls asleep within a matter if minutes. Sometimes I just wish I was a fucking cat. Seems so easy.
I’m a stich away from making it and a scar away from falling apart.
That is how I feel.
It has been 2 whole weeks since I have been released from St. Mary’s 3rd floor. Acording to Melissa, my social worker, I need to celebrate this small mile stone but I can’t find much to celebrate. My arms look like they got hit by a lawn mower, I lost custody of my baby(my cat Ramona), I lost my apartment I loved so much, I lost my roommates, I can’t be alone, I can’t smoke weed, I lost my clients and my job. I have to live with my family now and share a room with my 13 year old sister. I dropped out of school and I have nothing to make me feel normal again. Nothing. I’m heartbroken. I now understand how someone could die from saddness. But what do I have? Abilify, a free MacBook Pro, arms that will always be covered with a sweater and a few people who love me. Now is one of those times I need to see the glass as half full. Now is one of those times I need to think of the rest of the world and realize how lucky I am but I just can’t bring myself to be that positive. I feel like a deer that got shot but didn’t die you know? That’s kinda what happened to me. I wanted to die, but didn’t make it that far so now I am stuck figuring it all out and I have no idea where to begin. I’m just limping around lost in the woods. Melissa says this should help but I fear Melissa is full of shit.
